When Guilt Won’t Let Go: A Personal Walk Toward Forgiveness and Restoration

I have carried guilt my whole life. I mean that literally.

I can still see it...me, a little boy in the late '80s, throwing rocks and breaking the side window of my parents’ brand-new 4Runner. I was maybe six or seven years old. The moment that glass shattered, I started crying. Not because I was afraid of punishment, though maybe I was, but because I felt bad. I knew I had done something wrong, and I didn’t know how to carry it.

I still don’t, not well anyway.

All these years later, I find myself revisiting moments that feel like ancient history to others but are still fresh in my conscience.

A time I was too short-tempered in middle school.

A sharp word to someone in high school.

A moment I treated a classmate unfairly or failed to show kindness when it would’ve cost me nothing.

I’ve also said things, words I now regret. If you grew up in the ’80s and ’90s like I did, you know the language was different then. The names we called each other, the way we spoke, the shows we watched, the music we blasted; it was a different time, but that doesn’t excuse it. I’ve matured, but the guilt still lingers.

There were nights we’d sneak across the border into Mexico just to buy fireworks. We’d blow things up. Egg our friends’ houses. Toilet paper trees. We’d get into fistfights because we didn’t know how to say “I’m emotionally hurt”. We didn't know how to express our emotions. Heck, I'm still figuring it out! I look back now and wish I’d had the emotional control to talk things out instead of throwing punches.

Now, the choices I make might seem smaller or less outwardly reckless, but that doesn’t mean they don’t matter. I still snap at my kids sometimes. I still get impatient. I still say “no” to a piggyback ride when I should’ve said “yes.” I still wrestle with my introverted nature and passive-aggressive tendencies. If someone offends me, I’ve been known to quietly cut them out instead of seeking understanding.

I’m working on it. All of it.

But the guilt… it’s like a quiet shadow that follows me.

And nothing weighs heavier than the guilt I carry about my friends: Matt and Mark.

They each reached out to me in their final days. They just wanted to talk. And I talked back, but I didn’t see. I didn’t understand what was beneath their words. I was so immersed in my own life that I didn’t recognize the signs. I didn’t say what I wish I had said.

"Hey, I’ll be there tonight."

"You don’t sound okay, let me come see you."

"Forget my schedule. You’re what matters right now."

One was a short flight away. One was just a two-hour drive. I would do it in a heartbeat now. But I didn’t then. And I carry that.

What I’m Learning

Guilt is not your identity.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

-Romans 8:1

Jesus doesn’t shame us into change. He loves us into restoration.

God doesn’t just forgive. He restores.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

-1 John 1:9

Forgiveness isn’t just about wiping the slate clean. It’s about rebuilding us from the inside out. And I’m learning to believe that, even when my own heart tries to pull me back into regret.

A Path Forward

Here’s the roadmap I return to again and again:

1. Confess it. Be real with God. No masks. No filters.

2. Receive grace. Believe that Jesus' sacrifice covers even the things you can’t forgive yourself for.

3. Make it right when you can. Apologize. Reconnect. Change course.

4. Stay present. Today is a new opportunity. Don’t let yesterday steal it.

5. Let it fuel purpose. You can’t undo the past, but you can build something beautiful in its place.

That’s why I started the Matthew Mark Foundation—not just to help others, but to honor the ache. To turn regret into redemption. To walk with others who’ve fallen short and say, you’re not alone. Let’s walk forward together.

Scriptures That Anchor Me

Psalm 51:10–12 – “Create in me a clean heart… restore to me the joy of Your salvation.”

Romans 8:1 – “No condemnation for those in Christ.”

1 John 1:9 – “If we confess… He forgives.”

Joel 2:25 – “I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 – “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.”

One Last Thought

Maybe your regrets look different than mine. Maybe they’re sharper, or maybe they’re subtle. Either way, guilt doesn’t have to define your story. Jesus does.

And He’s not finished with you, or me, yet.